I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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