You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
