Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
