i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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