I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
