I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
