did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
