Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
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