oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm always down for nudity.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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