so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
