dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
