Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
