So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
