Me too!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
