I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
