When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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