john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
