I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
