I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize