I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
