Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
