yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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