I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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