Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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