then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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