At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
