I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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