i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
