I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
