I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
