I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
