I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It's official drugs can't kill me
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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