I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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