The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
