I think I am morally bankrupt
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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