Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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