Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
