i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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