Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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