i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
