I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
