Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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