You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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