She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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