the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
