Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
