Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
