we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
