My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
