how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
