i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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