the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
