Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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