Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
