I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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