It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
