Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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