I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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