Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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